Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Gift or Curse

I'm not trying to sound like Spider-Man.

I like the guy but I like Superman and Wolverine better.

Anyway, what I'm talking about is my ability to talk to myself in the second person and listen in the third (sometimes even the fourth depending on my psycho-analytic mood).

Although this has been a great help inasmuch as refining my values and analyzing my beliefs are concerned, for the past few months, the revelations I have been uncovering have been becoming more and more disturbing than ever.

In fact, going through it, I usually imagine myself as St. John the Divine as he was being shown the Revelation of Jesus Christ or as Dante as he descended into the rings of his Inferno.

As I go through this process, more and more do I hope and grope for that elusive and non-existent "Reset Button", or better yet, the "Delete Button".

Oftentimes, it is easy to talk about moral, emotional and spiritual restructuring, but it truly is an impossible task when you can't let go of certain things that you need to.

My second person (the ever-dependable confidante, the one I talk to) espouses, I can just concentrate on the things I need to concentrate on such as family and work. He can take care of all other things I am still having an attachment to and I don't need to know or worry about them. Sounds great, except that I would still be privy to whatever he's up to and that knowledge alone is enough to get me off course like a ship with a broken gyroscope and compass and is caught in the middle of a tempest in the high seas.

My third person (the silent but discerning listener, who's also one hell of a bad ass) believes I usually create my own problems by deliberately refusing to let go of past attachments. He says I'm one greedy son of a bitch, wanting everything but refusing to compromise and giving no quarter whatsoever. He's convinced I have sticks the size of Redwoods up my ass and they're up too deep they're poking my medulla oblongata and my hypothalamus - which explains my inexplicable moral-spiritual-emotional attachments and quirks. He recommends I subject myself to a jumbo-sized enema and rectal surgery by none other than Vlad the Impaler.

My fourth person (the one with logic colder than deep-space ice) says the situation is easy. I just need to make a list of things that I don't really need. Emotions should be set aside as well as any kind of attachment when making the list. Once the list is complete, all I need to do is to let go of those things. Leave them behind and move on and never look back. he says, this is my primordial "Reset Button".

Both my second and my third disagree with him because they know that as soon as I follow his advise, all of them would inevitably disappear. My fourth seems unaffected by this prospect. He's for logical solutions and nothing more. This is the reason why my fourth is usually left uninvited during "Introspective Meetings". But somehow, he still manages to be in the loop with everything.

Sometimes I think he's psychic.

Before anyone of you guys get any ideas, I'm not going cuckoo.

Far from it. I've never felt more sane than ever before.

I think it's the rest of the world that's going crazy.